Ouchie...

We put EC to sleep yesterday. It was really really hard. I've never had to make that decision before; all of my pets have died in quick, terrible ways. My dog, Slash, was hit by a truck and my cat, Freya, was attacked and killed by a pitbull. I watched my parents put their cat, Sam, to sleep when I was 10, but I didn't have to make that decision.



The night before we had EC put down was long and horrible. EC slept in our room, which is something she hadn't done all month. All night I kept waking up and reaching over and petting her; not that she wanted to be touched...it was more for my own comfort. I had a dream about her during the few hours that I did get to sleep. The morning was awful. AJ and I sat with her on the couch in the living room. I curled my body around her and buried my face in her fur. She smelled so sweet - almost like the milk and honey smell that babies have. I breathed hot air onto her skin, hoping that the warmth would comfort her.



Driving to the vet was an unreal experience. AJ held my hand the whole way and I just sorta sank into myself. I don't remember a lot of it...I think I shut down a bit at that point.

They sedated EC before giving her the injection. The sedative made her so relaxed that it seemed like she was dead even before they gave her the overdose of barbiturates. She was so little, wrapped up in the towel they put over my lap.

I told her she was a good girl and I thanked her for being in my life and teaching me to love unconditionally. She really did. There was not one thing about her that I didn't love. I would have cleaned up barf and crap and hand-fed her forever if I had to.

After she died, AJ and I left and rather than going home, where her presence would be missed the most, we went to AJ's "heaven" and picked a huge batch of blackberries. Then, we went out for lunch and rode our bikes to the beach.



I've been keeping busy and staying away from the house, in order to avoid feeling horrible. Having AJ with me has been such a blessing - I know he loved EC as much as I did and having someone to share the grief and pain with has been so helpful and healing.



I wanted to make the day that EC died a beautiful day. I didn't want to sit around and cry and feel depressed. I wanted to touch and taste and see and feel everything good about the day and have good memories. I don't believe EC wanted much of anything - she was, after all, a cat - but I know that when I go, I want people to celebrate my life and to understand that theirs is important and all too brief. I wanted to enjoy a day in my life for EC.